Healthier habits. More rest. Less 18-hour days. Less grind, more ease. More sleep. More real listening. Less social media.
We know we need it. We know it would do us a world of good, or at least be good for us. And, we know we might even like it. Might even feel better, happier, more rested, and easier to get along with.
Then why don’t we do it? This is the question I ask often, given that leadership-from-the-inside-out is my business. Given that my whole leadership model is predicated on the notion that leaders have to get themselves right if they are to be believable. If they want their leadership to be sustainable.
And yet…here are the top reasons executives and professional service partners offer up for their inattention to themselves. As you read these, reflect on what stops you and if I’m missing anything. 1. Not enough time. The clear winner…by a long shot. Busy-bordering-on-frantic mornings and evenings with family. Back-to-back work meetings. Late nights. Leaders are too busy doing, be it the flotsam and jetsam of emails, leading every meeting, vetting all the outputs. The buck stops with me, KP! Don’t have time for anything else.
2. Doing feels better/more productive/easier than non-doing. I was particularly intrigued by the notion that it was easier to do than not do. If I only have so many hours, doing makes more sense. And even as I know that I can’t do everything on the list…that it is literally impossible to ever get to throw that list away, that even if I get to the end, there will instantly be more things to do…it’s easier to feel like I’m making progress than not.
But at an even more primal level, for some of us, there is literally a drive to take action. This drive makes inactivity feel uncomfortable. We can imagine how a period of time lazing on a recliner could be somehow rejuvenating, but only when others are doing it. From the outside, it looks great. When we actually try lying on that chair? Walking-on-broken-glass uncomfortable.
So uncomfortable, in fact, that in a series of research studies led by Tim Wilson from the University of Virginia, participants found that simply being alone with their own thoughts for 15 minutes was so aversive that it drove many of them to self‑administer an electric shock that they had earlier said they would pay to avoid.
This may sound like just a bizarre curiosity, but it speaks to a broader truth: Human brains crave some form of engagement or control. Left alone in a void, without guidance or distraction, many simply can’t handle the discomfort—even when the alternative is physically unpleasant.
3. It’s selfish. This is the particular refrain for those servant leaders in the room, those folks who see their role as supporting and developing those around them. Or those whose empathy says that everyone else is doing it tough, and I should help them. Similar to the time trap, helpers in this group soothe themselves with the rationale that once everyone else is taken care of, I will take care of myself. Except that, of course, there’s always someone else who needs help.
4. My self-care routine is too fragile. This is the leader who had crafted a workable morning routine to allow for exercise and connection time with her partner…only to have the new school’s earlier start time render the plan moot. Or the parking garage raised its rates, so now the couple carpools, which extends travel time and nixes their pre-work self-care plan.
5. I don’t need it. This is a vestige of old-school leadership thinking as well as just ego talking. I can’t tell you how many leaders I have sat across from who speak to their need for a break, but when I call it out, then skate away, deflect, or otherwise minimise the very concerns they were talking about a moment before. Yeah, it’s a thing, but not THAT big a thing. I’m fine.
6. Everyone else is grinding, so I should, too. Or more insidiously, even if that’s not actually true, that’s the subtle message management is sending. Which influences behavior similarly. I can’t be seen taking a break, not hustling — what would people think?!
In one professional services firm I work with, partners wryly noted the traditional peer greeting and response:
Hi, how are you?
Good. Busy. And you?
Good. Busy.
Someone suggested a change-up in response to: Good. Bored! The room erupted in disbelieving laughter. Funny…but never happening.
7. Everything will fall apart if I am not managing or overseeing it all. You can smell the fear underpinning this idea. But even when the unsustainability of this approach is acknowledged, few of us are willing to experiment with a different approach.
I once worked with an executive, Alex (not his real name), who was able to confront and overcome his own unsustainability, but only after experiencing a significant professional failure and health scare. How significant? His lone-ranger myopia in trying to salvage a difficult project ultimately failed, leading to a half-million-dollar loss of revenue and almost killing him.
In making the change to a servant-leader model, empowering his team, and reinventing his role, Alex was candid. My breakdown was way more damaging than anything a junior consultant could have stuffed up. So yeah, we’re afraid of looking bad. But what we should be terrified of is burning out our people—or ourselves—and becoming the bottleneck that lets it all happen.
I see Alex’s tale as both an amazing good news story, but also a cautionary tale of epic proportions. In his case, it took a brush with mortality to change his behaviour.
The list of reasons we stand still — unhappy and unproductive — rather than making the changes we know we need is indeed a long one. What’s equally hard to witness is the frustration and hopelessness that comes with the territory. It’s not like we don’t know. But even when we have tried, in good faith, to change, it so often eludes us.
If any of this rings true for you, know that there are real reasons we get stuck — and until we understand and work with those reasons, we’ll stay stuck. Next time, I’ll share some practical ways to unpack that and make behaviour change clearer and easier.
In the meantime, do let me know what you think. What stops you from making the changes you want to make?
