In my last few posts, I’ve been digging into the question: Why is change so hard? Today, I want to go a level deeper and look at something we rarely give time or attention to—our deeper motivations. Those unconscious self-statements and beliefs running in the background, quietly sabotaging our best efforts to change.
Take Alex, a partner in a professional services firm. He needed a medical emergency to finally see what was driving his behavior. That’s not unusual—near-death experiences have a way of clarifying purpose like nothing else. But let’s be honest: no one wants a brush with death to be their change catalyst.
So the real question is: short of catastrophe, how do we figure out what’s actually holding us back?
Start by listening. Not to podcasts or mentors, necessarily—but to yourself.
Watch Your Language
Seriously. The way we speak—especially in moments of tension or frustration—can be a goldmine. It’s where our more deeply held values, fears, and hidden drivers leak out, often before we’ve consciously clocked them.
Let me give you an example.
I was working with a long-married couple, Susan and Frank. They’d agreed to “tweak their operating model,” though let’s be clear—it was Susan’s initiative. She wanted more emotional connection. Frank was… present. Cooperative, but uncommitted.
Susan’s complaint was familiar: Frank rarely offered compliments, rarely said “I love you,” and avoided taking his share of the responsibility when conversations went sideways. She wasn’t after perfection—she just wanted some kind of acknowledgment. But Frank, while ostensibly open to working on these weaknesses, wasn’t changing his behaviors. Weeks passed. Nothing changed.
When I asked him what was getting in the way, Frank looked genuinely puzzled. “I don’t know,” he said. We tested a few theories—maybe it made him uncomfortable, maybe it didn’t feel natural, maybe it felt like ceding ground—but nothing stuck.
Then, a shift. A few weeks later, they came back after a blow-up. Susan recounted the moment:
I told him, ‘I feel hurt and dismissed by your refusal to acknowledge my feelings. Never mind that you won’t take responsibility or apologize.’
He snapped. Yelled that I was asking him to grovel. It was like, doing what I asked, was beneath him.
That flash of anger? That was the real voice in the system. In that moment, Frank revealed what none of us—including himself—had fully seen: that to empathize, to apologize, to show vulnerability… felt like humiliation.
Once it was out, it made sense to both of them. Not just intellectually, but viscerally. Frank wasn’t lazy or unfeeling. He was operating from a powerful, if unexamined, belief: “If I yield, I’m less.” That belief had been quietly steering the ship for years.
From there, things started to shift. Frank agreed to experiment—not with full surrender, but with small experimental changes. Expressing appreciation. Acknowledging his hurt. Testing whether the fear of being “less than” matched reality.
It didn’t. Far from lowering his status in Susan’s eyes, it raised it. His willingness to try—even imperfectly—strengthened her respect, not weakened it.
The Real Work
Here’s the thing: a lot of our internal resistance isn’t rational. It’s emotional. And emotional systems don’t match up well to whiteboard strategies or quarterly goal-setting sessions, especially if they are unseen or worse, feared.
They reveal themselves in the slipstream—when we’re frustrated, off-guard, or pushed to the edge.
If you’re trying to lead change—in yourself, your team, or your company—don’t just focus on strategy. Pay attention to language. Yours. Theirs. Especially when emotions are running high. That’s often where the truth lives.
And when that truth surfaces, even if it’s raw, it gives you something real to work with.
Reflection Questions (for leaders who mean it):
- What are the words or phrases you catch yourself repeating in moments of stress or resistance? What might they be protecting?
- What emotional “lines” feel non-negotiable for you (most often, it’s fear)—and what would it mean to cross them?
- Whose respect are you trying to earn—or avoid losing—and how is that shaping the way you lead?
Real change isn’t always about doing more. Sometimes it’s about listening more closely—to what’s already being said.
