Guilt. Evolutionary psychologists tell us that this is a necessary “pro-social” emotion that evolved to keep us humans in more harmonious community. It’s that nagging, icky feeling that comes over us when we do some harm to someone, and which prompts us to make amends, thus easing our guilt and repairing, even strengthening the relationship.
But am I the only one noticing how guilt has become epidemic these days? I feel it in myself almost daily, especially when I try to lighten up on my grind-y work ethic. Even standing up from my desk chair to take a break can feel, somehow, bad.
As well, I hear some version of guilt from almost every high achiever I work with. People running hard, afraid to take their foot off the gas pedal. I’ll sleep when I’m dead. The unrelenting onslaught of work requiring an equally unrelenting work ethic. I’d like to not work 14-hour days, but feel bad when I don’t get it all done. I’m letting [fill in the blank: myself, my teammates, society] down.
Which is why a recent, incidental conversation after a spin class stopped me in my tracks. Fellow rider Susan (a pseudonym) shared this gem: French women don’t ‘do’ maternal guilt. What? I pressed for more detail. Susan said that she had spent some time living in France, and was really confronted at the time by the very different attitude that French mothers had about parenting. I asked how this would play out – how did Susan see this lack of guilt in action? They’d schedule a babysitter for no reason – just to have time away from their kids!
I got what she meant immediately. Taking a break…from your own kids? How freeing! Yet, at the same time, how weird! Because no one I know, including myself, does that on a regular basis…even as I could intuitively see that regular breaks from our children for no particular reason could be really healthy. For them and us, if we are honest about it.
As well, though, how interesting that guilt is just not a “thing” for the French. In fact, this suggests to me that guilt is as much a social construction as an emotion.
We’ve learned to trust guilt as a sign of wrongdoing. That’s the mistake.
I learned that lesson about over-trusting guilt – hard – as a mother a few years ago. We’d encouraged our daughter to range far afield in her search for a great college experience, and she took us up on it, deciding to go to school internationally. Yay for raising a kid who was willing to take that literal big leap, right?
Until it came down to brass tacks, the trip to help her settle in to a place that was not what any of us expected. The campus was in full-on party mode (translation: lots of heavy drinking and a startling amount of casual hookup sex), none of which was her vibe…at all. Leaving her alone on campus to fly home was one of the hardest things I’d ever done as a parent.
In the airport lounge, about to grab a bottle of sauv blanc to drown my angst, it occurred to me to first try to just sit with my feelings. Why exactly was I so miserable? And it hit me. I felt guilty. I had done something fundamentally wrong as a mother, and this was somehow my fault.
But when I asked myself that question, what exactly had I done wrong?, the clear answer was: nothing. This was not my fault, but an unfortunate and painful life circumstance that my daughter would have to deal with.
Unpacking that realisation not only made me feel better, but also made me a better mother. The last thing my kid needed at that point was a guilt-ridden me seeking reassurance from her daughter that I wasn’t a bad mother. Her life was hard enough.
Guilt as a “Social Construction”
Social construction – what does that even mean? This is the idea that concepts and categories, like race, gender, money–and I’d argue guilt–are not only inherent or natural but often have been (re)defined and maintained by society through shared beliefs and practices.
Another way to say this is that our culture has conditioned us to feel guilty. Why don’t French women feel maternal guilt to extent we do? It is not a social construction in French society – their culture has not conditioned them to feel it as we do.
Still skeptical? Let’s “try on” the notion of guilt as a social construction to see if it fits.
Do any of these statements ring true?
- Guilt teaches compliance, not integrity.
- It punishes autonomy, especially, dare I say, for women.
- It confuses discomfort with wrong-doing. (That was me at the airport for sure!)
- We do the “right thing” to reduce our discomfort and make others feel better, not because it’s right for us.
- It fuels burnout…masked as virtue.
- It’s contagious. This is the stuff of social construction – you can’t see it, you can’t touch it, but it is there. And without realising it, we get infected.
- It becomes addictive. This is the most insidious piece.
The questions these statements make me ask is:
Who or what is being served when we blindly follow the strictures of guilt as a negative, punishing motivator?
What would change if I sought, instead, to do what was best for me?
And would it be possible to serve myself AND others (rather than seeing it as an either-or proposition)?
A Call for Discernment
The next time you feel guilty, try going beneath. Ask yourself, what have I done wrong? And please, answer the question in a way that aligns with your values, your conscience, and serves everyone (not JUST your kids, your team, your boss, the nosy lady next door, or society in general). The answer might be difficult to hear and process…but it does not mean you have done something wrong.
Start recognising guilt as a reaction. Not a verdict.
As always, I am curious to hear what you think.
